A Christmas Visit [25/12, afternoon]- Xmas 1677

[Sophia de la Cerda]

He looked a bit sad when she mentioned his cousin. From what he had told her on the day they had met, Sophia thought that John wanted him at court. Perhaps he had not lived up to her friend's expectations or ignored him? Singing for him might help. If he was enchanted with her voice, he might be more positively inclined toward John. First, though, he wanted her to win the ladies over, which she believed might be a bit more difficult than the gentlemen. Some ladies were jealous of her beauty, her voice, and her charm. All she could do was try. “Did your cousin attend the opera?”

 

She also didn't have as much influence with the Queen as John seemed to think. “I can introduce your sister to the Queen, unless last night's gossip has poisoned her mind against me, but it is up to her whether she wishes your sister to serve her. I do not have her ear.” Yet, she added silently to herself. “However, I can introduce both of you to someone who does. Mistress Wellsley is one of the Queen's ladies-in-waiting and a very good friend of mine. She is much closer to Her Majesty than I am.”

 

Sophia sipped her tea. “I'm afraid I know very few proper unmarried gentlemen, but I meet new people every day. If we go places together or converse at court events, the gentlemen may flock around us.” She grinned. “Men always like to appear confident, but sometimes I think they are more afraid of rejection that women are. It is more likely they will approach a group of ladies than one who is by herself. There is less chance of being turned away and ladies often feel safer in groups. Since I am married, I can supervise them, like a chaperone.” Whether they would listen to her was another matter altogether. It was possible that she was younger than they were.

 

She could certainly use some supporters in proper court circles, and she hoped that she would eventually earn his family's respect. The arrangement he outlined seemed more beneficial to her than it was to him. He had powerful relatives while she was only tentatively acquainted with the Queen. She did hope that would change this season and that Her Majesty would become her friend. The Queen had heard her sing hymns and had commended her for it. Perhaps she would remember how Sophia's voice had praised God and would forgive her for what had happened last night. Everyone succumbed to sin occasionally. She was certainly no exception.

 

The petite Baroness said nothing more about the opera, although she nodded when he speculated that nobody would believe she was drunk. Hopefully, they would not have to make excuses for her behavior at all. Did he look at her a bit oddly when she revealed that many ladies lied to protect their reputations? Maybe he had not known. Sophia was not a compulsive liar but she didn't mind fibbing to save her own skin. Because of her talent for acting, she was so good at it that she almost believed her little white lies herself.

 

Now she was beginning to understand why he had mentioned the pyramid experiment in regards to the rules of English society. “But who decides who is proper and who is not? It sounds like a matter of personal opinion to me. If these paragons of propriety dislike you for some reason, it does not matter if you join a convent and devote your life to God. They will still speak of the sins that drove you there, even if you never did anything wrong in your life. Last spring, there were rumors about me floating around at a ball, that I was not a maiden. People were quick to jump on them because I am pretty and have a large bosom. I was chaste, though. I did not even know what went on between a husband and wife in their bedchamber.”

 

She was warming up to the subject now. “I have friends who are proper and friends who are libertine. Respectable or not, Lady Alyth and Lady O'Roarke are popular at court. They know important people and those people do not avoid them. I know that I must appear proper for the sake of my lord husband's position, but in truth, I do not care what frumpy old women and pompous old men think of me. Nobody pleases them anyway.”

 

Her eyes met his. “I refuse to live in fear of annoying the wrong people. I will not let anyone else dictate my behavior. I am who I am, and if somebody does not like it, the loss will not be mine. That does not mean I am going to disobey those unwritten rules, but I am not going to be afraid of them any longer. I cannot please everyone. This then, is my experiment … to be myself and see what comes of it. What I want is the best of both worlds. Do you think that is an impossible goal?”

 

Although she didn't like to think of Juan killing people, John's predictions were probably accurate. He would be as eager to rid himself of his enemies as they were to rid themselves of him. There had been two attempts on his life last spring. Why should he spare his foes when they had no intention of sparing him? No ruler was ever completely safe. There was always opposition to any form of government. Sophia had learned that from reading the histories of Germany, Italy, and more recently, England.

 

If everyone was running away from the battle, then of course Juan would save himself by any means. She would be sure to mention it the next time she saw him. Maybe he wasn't the only soldier dressed as a nun. “I will ask my lord husband. He might have been there. And perhaps I will try to befriend the Portuguese Ambassador. He will probably be at the ball tonight.”

 

Allegro was still sleeping soundly on Lord Maldon's lap. “Unless there is something else I need to know before our next meeting, I think that is enough politics for one day.” Sophia finished the last of her tea. “Shall we look at the plants now?”

[Guest]

John shook his head, “He isn’t f-f-feeling well.” John said of his cousin attending the opera. Another relative of his had been there, also his cousin, but that would’ve just confused matters.

 

John knew he had overestimated Sophia’s influence with the Queen originally. He had still entrusted her to help his sister into the household. “She m-m-might help you then.” John said as to introducing her to Mistress Wellesley. He still considered Sophia’s promise to guide his sister there to be in effect, that she would take the lead.

 

John was less interested in levying Sophia’s position than he was in levying her person. She struck him as clever and desirous of pleasing the Queen. And she was a woman, which meant she could do things he couldn’t.

 

John nodded when she said she could go together with the women. He had no specific plan there, but he had no doubt Sophia could assist them. He had every confidence in his friend’s abilities, “Though f-f-frankly, I don’t think you’d do too well as a chaperone.” John grinned, amused. “That w-w-would be of help.” Especially with their inexperience. Somewhere between Sophia’s vivacious disregard and the proper fearfulness of the ladies he’d placed her with lay the correct thing, in John’s mind.

 

“Yes?” John said to her assessment, that if those paragons decided to dislike you, it didn’t matter. “Precisely. If you'd muh-managed to gain their approval for an opera and p-p-pleased them rather than the libertine King, you m-m-might not have faced the repercussions you... do now.” He didn’t understand her tone. That was the way of the world in nearly everything, especially at court.

 

John wouldn’t know if the mistresses were popular at court. But he had observed Sophia’s view of court was excessively obsessed with the King and didn’t seem to comprehend other people mattered just as much. More, in many cases. “They sleep with those m-m-men, or their friends. If you do, you too m-m-might gain that sort of influence, in exchange for b-b-being expelled from polite society.” John said. “Who are your p-p-proper friends?” John asked. They could help if she had them.

 

John was not at all drawn in by Sophia’s declaration. He seemed increasingly shocked and incredulous. At the end, he sighed. He seemed a tad bit exasperated, "How have you b-b-been living in fear, not acting like yourself?"

 

He’d have thought last night was enough of a lesson. Now Sophia seemed selfish, self-absorbed, and stubborn. She might have considered the effects of her actions on her husband, her country, even her future children. Instead, it was all about how mean people were for not letting her get what she wanted, how they were old and frumpy and inferior to her. How, since she'd had trouble, it was obviously totally impossible. How to get the best of both worlds for herself, without even a mention of how it’d affect other people.

 

John nodded to the plants and tried to gently tickle little Allegro awake so he could leave with a smile.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

“I am sorry. I hope he starts feeling better.” Maybe that was why John was sad. His cousin was ill. Now she knew that he had not heard her at the opera last night. Perhaps other family members would praise her voice (but not her actions) and he would be curious enough to ask to hear her sing. Lord Maldon had told her that he loved music. Music could also soothe him if he was ill.

 

“I think she will,” Sophia said of Mistress Wellsley. “We spoke a bit yesterday about the Queen and she told me she would speak well of me so that Her Majesty will see me in a favorable light.” She sighed sadly. “I hope she was not shocked by my performance. She said she would be there.” At the ball, she would likely find out where her friend stood with her now.

 

She grinned when he said that he didn't think she would be a good chaperone. “Maybe I shall surprise you. But they can always bring their own chaperones with them. I do hope that we all become friends.” At the moment, she had no companions around her own age. All of her friends were older by at least three or so years. In truth, she liked having older friends, but it would be fun having younger friends as well.

 

“If I knew who set the rules, then I would try to befriend them. How do you find out who those paragons of propriety are? I am not a very good judge of that, I am afraid, since I believed that Lady Alyth and Lady O”Roarke were respectable until you told me otherwise. I have never seen anyone look at them with disgust or purposely avoid them. I guess I associated respectability with popularity.” After setting her teacup on the table, she threw up her hands in frustration. “I am even more confused now. Maybe the friends I thought were proper are only popular. I debuted at court here. I have no experience in my own country to draw on. If nobody tells me what I should and shouldn't do, how am I to know?”

 

Like most sixteen-year-olds, Sophia was a bit selfish, and Germans were stubborn by nature. She was compassionate, though, and she would never do anything that would hurt her husband or anyone else. “I have been trying to change who I am, worried that no one will like me for myself, and afraid that more rumors will be spread about me. But I cannot stop the rumors no matter what I say and do. Most of them are lies and I will not worry about them anymore.

 

“I know that I will be held to stricter standards now that I am an Ambassador's wife. My lord husband places great importance on honor and I will never intentionally do anything that will insult or embarrass him or Spain. Maybe if I quit obsessing over what is right and, proper, it will come naturally to me.

 

“I do not think I am a libertine. I once went to one of their gatherings in disguise and felt very uncomfortable. I will not do that again. But I am not nearly as pious as the Queen. Nor do I believe I am better than everyone else, like some proper nobles do. I will never snub anyone for anything. I am just me … just Sophia.. I know the odds are stacked against me … I am young, foreign, pretty, and talented … but I will overcome them. You shall see. I will be accepted into proper circles eventually and not lose my identity in the process.. Everyone makes mistakes occasionally. If others can be forgiven, then so can I.”

 

She sometimes found it difficult to explain herself in English and hoped John understood she was not throwing caution to the wind at the expense of everything else, but would work toward her goal of becoming respectable without sacrificing her own personal values because she thought that was would be required of her.

 

Allegro stirred when he was tickled, sitting up on John's lap and blinking up at him sleepily. Rising, Sophia gently picked him up and cradled him in her arms. “He can come with us.” She picked up the tin of catnip when she reached the door and brought it along, leading her friend through the house and into the orangery. About halfway there, the kitten struggled to be released and she set him down on the floor. He still followed them, probably lured by the catnip.

 

The plants had been moved to the part of the orangery that received the most sun and warmth. They were arranged in rows upon a table. To Sophia, they looked much as they had yesterday, but she was not as experienced in gardening as John.

[Guest]

“As d-d-do I.” John said, his tone bothered and distracted. Devonshire’s health was a more or less constant tugging bother for him now that he knew it was bad. As for her friend, “I w-w-would see.” John said, “But that’s good. I d-d-don’t think she’ll abandon you either.” John didn’t know much of Mistress Wellesley. What he did know is that she’d been willing to gently chastise someone far above her station for mistreating him, which spoke highly of her character to John.

 

John chuckled, “Maybe you shall. B-b-but yes, I hope so too.” He still felt Sophia and the ladies of his house had much to offer each other, both personally and politically. Even after last night. Though John would’ve blanched at her calling him ‘older’. He’d only been an adult for a few months and wasn’t that much older than Sophia.

 

When she said she didn’t know who to befriend, “I just told you!” John cried in disbelief. He understood she didn’t know the subtleties of court, but he had literally just told her who was open to her friendship, how she might befriend them, and how once she’d befriended them who among their friends and relations could help her with her reputation.

 

“Royal mistresses aren’t p-p-popular either outside of a small group. A f-f-friend of an old mistress tried to get elected to Parliament and despite the King’s personal and public support was run out of town. They suh-said they w-w-wouldn’t have a pimp or the friend of a… whore in their town.” John said.

 

As for not knowing the rules, John didn’t believe that was true but he wasn’t going to argue more. “If you really w-w-want to learn the rules in totality, p-p-perhaps you ought to withdraw to the countryside with a proper governess. It will g-g-give you time to think and try to understand what happened and to learn those rules. When you return your reputation will have f-f-faded.” John suggested, “I’ll write you as often as you’d like.”

 

John thought for a few moments about how he’d seen her behave. He didn’t understand. “How?” John asked, “What have you d-d-done that you wouldn’t have normally done in fear for reputation? Or n-n-not done?”

 

“And if you hurt them unintentionally? You’ve already p-p-put your husband’s entire regime at risk. P-p-probably his life and the life of his master as well.” Innocent mistakes were still dangerous, especially in games of politics. As for acting properly coming naturally, “Has it c-c-come naturally so far?” John asked. He didn’t think it had.

 

“You act like one, though.” John said. “You d-d-dislike who they dislike, you like to d-d-do what they like to do, you admire the people who are paragons of libertinism.” As she continued, John seemed somewhat offended, “For someone who d-d-doesn’t think you’re better than anyone else, you certainly know what’s wrong with how proper p-p-people act and have overcome their flaws.” John found the libertines just as snobbish as the proper and liked neither really.

 

John rolled his eyes as she listed off being pretty, talented, and young as ‘odds stacked against her’. “You c-c-can’t possibly believe that.” John sighed, this time sounding disappointed in himself. He was becoming frustrated but he needed to be above that, “Sorry. How d-d-does that stack the odds against you? I d-d-don’t understand.”

 

“F-f-forgiveness requires contrition and penance. Do you feel regret or sadness over what you did? Do you understand how it’s wrong? Are you willing to suffer to be forgiven, and to accept those who f-f-forgive you are being kind by doing so? That if they don’t, you deserve it?” John asked. It was unsurprising his notions of forgiveness were tied up in Christian ideas of sin and forgiveness. “If not, you’re n-n-not really looking for forgiveness. You’re just looking to get away with what you did. Or to be t-t-told you didn’t actually do anything wrong.”

 

The two of them were not understanding each other very well. John was very much suggesting she learn how to get what she wanted rather than giving it all up. For example, he wasn’t suggesting she give up theater but that she ingratiate herself with the powerful and proper and get them to accept theater. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to strip herself on stage but she could perform. John was, as was his nature, suggesting subtlety and compromise and coalition building as the way forward.

 

But Sophia’s insistence she hadn’t done anything wrong and insulting people who she didn’t know but who were largely John’s close relatives wasn’t helping matters. In John’s mind, she clearly had done something wrong. She had hurt people around her, if nothing else. But she didn’t seem anything but defiant, angry that her actions had consequences. She hadn’t even mentioned its effects on her husband or Spain’s diplomatic efforts once, except as to how she had increased expectations placed upon her.

 

John did smile at Allegro’s little tiger like yawns. His eyes followed the cat as Sophia picked him up. He took his satchel and followed along. He took out a few books on Spanish plants and plant diseases, taken from the horticultural library of the Society of Apothecaries. He walked over to the two plants that had had issues. “They’re c-c-called gazanias, it seems.” John showed her a page with a description and a sketch.

 

“And it’s infected with Spanish rot. F-f-fittingly enough.” John said, taking out another book but not opening it. “We need to r-r-remove the plants from their soil, delicate cut and brush the roots, and put them in n-n-new pots and soil. That should ruh-remove the disease permanently. Then we n-n-need to burn or cook the soil and p-p-pots to kill it and p-p-prevent it from spreading.”

 

“We should d-d-do all this away from other p-p-plants.” John looked around for a good spot. “Or at l-l-least with a partition up from the others.”

[Sophia de la Cerda]

Sophia was a taken aback by his outburst and she nearly dropped her teacup. “Oh,” she said, blinking a few times. “Your family sets the rules. If your sister and Lady Frances become my friends, then they will speak favorably of me. And if I please the rest of your relatives, they will accept me and eventually everyone else will too? They will introduce me to other proper courtiers, and if I impress them, I will be thought of as proper … as long as my behavior from now on remains above reproach?”

 

She flinched when he explained how dangerous associating with libertines could be. “When the season ends, I will most likely travel again. Maybe I can bring a woman along who can coach me. There must be some respectable ladies who would jump at the chance to see more of the world. By the time court reconvenes, I will understand English customs and traditions much better.”

 

As for what she had done in fear for her reputation: “Everything. I have been walking on eggshells every since I heard those rumors, afraid that I would do something wrong and displease the wrong people. Last season, I thought I did quite well, but I still feared that people would talk about me if I accidentally broke some unwritten rule of which I was not aware. The season before that, I made some unintentional mistakes, but the very definition of 'unintentional' means that one does not know one is doing anything wrong. But I learn from them, and never make the same mistake twice."

 

Sophia shook her head when he claimed she thought like a libertine. “Nein. I do not believe in doing naughty things and then bragging about them. I do not drink heavily or gamble or flaunt my body in front of gentlemen. I am not a libertine.” He seemed angry with her now, and she felt ashamed and guilty. What had she done to raise his ire? “I never said I knew what was wrong with anyone. I just know I will never snub anyone or hurt them because I think it is what I am supposed to do to be proper.”

 

Another blink. “People are jealous of me for my looks and my talent, but it is my foreignness that hurts me the most. I hear courtiers talking behind my back, saying that I should go back where I came from. Some avoid me, quite openly, by refusing to speak to me or by immediately leaving any area I walk into. They would be more accepting of me if I were English. Now that I have married a Spaniard, I am foreign twice.”

 

His talk of forgiveness brought tears to her eyes. “I am sorry for what I did last night, and my heart feels like it has shattered into a million pieces when I think how my lord husband may suffer for it.” A few tears escaped down her cheeks, leaving sparkly little trails in their wake. “I wish I could take it back, but the damage has been done. Now I must try to undo it. And yes, I will suffer to be forgiven and thank those who forgive me for their kindness, for I am unworthy of it. I would do anything … anything at all … to restore my husband's honor and respect.”

 

Maybe now, he would understand how she really felt.

 

In the orangery, Sophia moved to his side and studied the page of the book that he showed her. “Gazania,” she repeated. “I remember the gardener that I spoke to in the royal gardens of Madrid mentioning that name when I asked which plants would be likely to survive the journey to England and flourish there.” She observed the plants sadly. “But they are not thriving.”

 

It did seem rather fitting that they were infected with Spanish rot. “I can send for some new pots and soil. Maybe we can take them into the drawing room to replant them? I can also keep them there until they are healthy, and set them in a place that gets the most sun. They will be away from all of the other plants then. There are no others in the drawing room. What do you think? Is it a good solution?”

[Guest]

“Not alone, but the women of my family particularly have a g-g-great deal of influence on it.” John said. He felt addressing it so directly was gauche, but still. “It will take some time to be thought of as p-p-proper. But so long as you’re welcome in polite company, your husband is respected and able to d-d-do his job, it d-d-doesn’t really matter. And that will come faster. And they c-c-can help teach you as well.” Probably better than John could.

 

“I w-w-want you to approach the women first b-b-because they’re the ones who can help your reputation most easily. And because if you approach the men, and they think you’re t-t-trying to seduce their husbands, they c-c-could make your reputation worse.” Sophia’s beauty wasn’t as much an advantage with women, but she would make do, he was sure. “It’s b-b-best you be very careful with gentlemanly company for a while. Many w-w-will think it’s more than it is. Many gentlemen will try and make it into that.”

 

John nodded to her plan to wait till the end of the season. Honestly, he was privately glad she was staying. John nodded as she spoke of her confusion. John wasn’t sure what to make of Sophia’s claim she didn’t enjoy flaunting her body after last night, but he said nothing. He simply nodded, not wanting to force the label on her.

 

John understood now that Sophia had simply been upset when she was freely calling people unpleasable, frumpy, old, and the other insults she’d freely thrown. “That’s g-g-good.” John said of her conviction not to hate people simply because they were improper. Still, she’d seemed awfully judgmental of the people she deemed proper.

 

“People d-d-do with me too.” John said, “And I am English. And n-n-neither pretty nor talented.” In fact, people ignoring him or promising him things and then never getting back to him had been his biggest obstacle at court. “No one is l-l-loved by everyone. Anyone who hates you f-f-for being a foreigner wouldn’t be very useful to your… husband anyway.”

 

John looked horrified as she began to cry. He took out his handkerchief and wiped her tears before handing it to her. His voice was low and regretful, “I g-g-got frustrated and became angry. Not because of anything you d-d-did. I was just… frustrated. I’m very sorry.” He knew he hadn’t driven her to tears, that it was the whole situation, but he still felt guilty. “I should’ve been a b-b-better friend.” Sophia was so naïve she needed someone to take care of her, and John could hardly begrudge anyone that.

 

John’s tone took something of an edge, “I s-s-said I won’t let this destroy you. I c-c-can’t do anything about your relationship to your husband, but I c-c-can point you to the right people, tell you what they want, and p-p-put in a few good words.” John had already offered this in his mind. But his manner of speech was indirect.

 

Outside, “They’re sick. It’s n-n-nothing to do with England.” John said. “Actually, you b-b-brought a thirteenth plant. Spanish rot is a fungus that g-g-grows by killing the plant and feed on its dead parts. We need to cut out the p-p-parts where it lives then put the plant in uninfected soil. When we burn the p-p-pot and soil we’ll be killing it.”

 

John nodded to her solution, “So l-l-long as it’s as sunny and hot as it is in here.” And she didn’t mind the room getting a bit dirty, but that was a servant’s problem.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

Sophia appreciated his directness and his advice. “Maybe we can help each other. I can introduce them to the Queen and they can teach me about English customs. I do not know how much influence I will have as the wife of a foreign Ambassador, but if your family ever desires anything from Spain, I can bring it before my lord husband, such as the trip you wish to make to the Spanish colonies in the New World. He is the one to speak to about that now.”

 

She sighed again when he spoke of the women possibly believing that she wanted to seduce their husbands if she approached them and that she should be careful around gentlemen for awhile. “It has happened before. I do not know why everyone thinks that all beautiful ladies are promiscuous. It is not true of me or of my friends who are known for their beauty. I desire only one man, and I will never be unfaithful to him.” That man was not her husband, but it was better if John believed that it was.

 

“I do plan to dance with gentlemen tonight, but if they insinuate that they wish for more, then I will slap them right in front of the King and everybody. That is the proper thing to do, ja, to publicly defend my own honor?”

 

Her eyes shone with compassion when he related that courtiers tended to avoid him and talk behind his back as well. It did not seem fair that he was judged for his afflictions. He was a wonderful person and if people were able to look beyond his stuttering and shaking, they would see that for themselves. He was intelligent, kind, and charming, and he was always willing to help his friends. He was also part of a powerful family who respected and accepted him. “And anyone who hates you is stupid. If I hear anyone insulting you, I will tell them so.”

 

Just as he had done yesterday, he wiped her tears away and handed her his handkerchief. “It is not your fault. I do not cry because of anything you said. I value your honesty. I know that you will always tell me the truth, even if it upsets me. You are a very good friend to me, never think otherwise.

 

“I am sad because I thought that I was finally earning my lord husband's trust, and I ruined that in only a few short hours. I do not know if he will ever trust me again after last night. He was so angry at me that he yelled at me this morning. He has never even raised his voice before. I wonder if he will ever smile at me again or if he will always look at me with disappointment in his eyes.”

 

Sophia handed the handkerchief back to him and gently squeezed his hand. “I am grateful for everything you are doing for me. Maybe if I am accepted in proper circles, he will be finally be proud of me. And I will help you as well, and not just by introducing your sister to the Queen. If there are other things I can do for you, all you have to do is ask. I will always be here for you. Forever and always."

 

Allegro had followed them into the orangery. Sophia still held the tin of catnip and she set it on the floor. The kitten sniffed at it and started rolling around and meowing. She was too absorbed in what John was telling her to pay him much attention. “I can put them on a table close to the fireplace. During the day, it is always burning. Both my lord husband and I are accustomed to warmer climates and we probably keep our house warmer than the English do.”

 

She looked down at the sick plants. “Do we need anything else besides pots, soil, gloves, spades, and clippers? We can take the plants to the drawing room and I can have everything delivered there.” Sophia didn't mind making a mess for she knew that the housemaids would clean up after them. It was what they were paid for, after all.

[Guest]

“I hope so.” John said. He had obligations to his family as well. If he thought Sophia would harm them, or that the meeting would not be advantageous for both, he still would have helped her but he wouldn’t have involved them. But he didn’t think that. He thought Sophia would be very helpful, once she’d weathered this storm.

 

“Yes, I still ought to speak with him. Though I understand you’re p-p-probably on thin ice at the moment. It c-c-can wait. As c-c-can the other things.” John wasn’t in a particular hurry. Even if he was, none of it was as important as his friend’s marriage, which John still thought of as her most important relationship.

 

“I d-d-don’t know.” John admitted. He went in the other direction. He presumed a lady wasn’t, sometimes even when she gave very blatant signs. Then again, though John was perfectly decent looking except for his affliction, he knew as well as her that court was shallow. “But I know at the moment it’s b-b-because some of them are thinking of you like an actress. And m-m-most actresses are promiscuous.”

 

“Of c-c-course.” John said of her dancing. He hadn’t meant she needed to become a nun, just to be cautious. “You d-d-don’t need to slap them, but yes, reject them firmly and if they insist do it publicly.”

 

John smiled somewhat awkwardly at her sympathy. Sophia attracted attention, good and bad, and John was mostly ignored, sometimes mocked, and often subjected to suppressed cringes. That was simply the condition of his life and probably always would be.

 

John nodded when she called him a good friend, but he was still sad. Sympathetically, if nothing else. Something clicked, though, when Sophia worried he would never forgive her. Her father had died shortly after Venice. There was a wound there, and that was why she thought it might last forever. John had a deeply sympathetic look and tone, “He will. You c-c-can’t undo what you’ve done, but you can become responsible and respectable and your… husband w-w-will recognize that.”

 

John squeezed back and after a moment took his hand in hers again, very much like yesterday, “I w-w-want you to be happy.” John said. “I know this m-m-must be terribly hard for you. Especially with your past. I’ll help you if I c-c-can too. Always.” He released her hand with an apologetic smile. He had noticed that Sophia tended to want to draw her hand away quickly and he’d taken that for discomfort with being near him.

 

Outside, John nodded. What she was proposing was acceptable. “Brushes, if you have them.” And she would need to dispose of the remains in fire, ideally far away from plants. John packed his books again and made ready to follow her with a small smile.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

“Ja, he is quite furious with me,” Sophia admitted with a sad little smile. “But I do not think that he will refuse to assist you because you are my friend. He is an honorable man and he knows you had nothing to do with my performance last night. It might even help him to become involved in something that will take his mind off of his anger. And if you approach him, he will know that your family doesn't hold anything against him because of me.” That could possibly do much to soften Esteban's current attitude toward her. “It is up to you, though. You understand gentlemen much better than I.”

 

She almost hoped that somebody did proposition her at the ball so that she could publicly refuse him. Everyone would see how outraged and appalled she was by the very idea and that might help her reputation as well. A slap would make it more of a show. Courtiers would talk about how she rebuffed a gentleman's advances and she would be viewed as more proper. It depended who propositioned her, though. She couldn't very well slap the King, but she could politely and quietly turn him down … which might be looked upon favorably by the Queen.

 

John insisted that Esteban would forgive her eventually, but Sophia was still not sure. She claimed that she never made the same mistake twice, but last night she had once more disappointed somebody whose approval she craved by singing onstage like a commoner. Her father had forgiven her before his death, but she had seen in his eyes that he had not forgotten her betrayal. Would it be like that with Esteban too? Would he forgive but never forget? She had diffused his anger this morning and they had worked together on ways to undo the damage that might have been done, but if the ball did not go well, he would be even more annoyed with her.

 

“You have more confidence in his forgiveness than I do,” she said, “but I do hope you are right. I will do everything in my power to be respectable from now on. I just wish I could help him in some way. Then he might forgive me sooner.”

 

One more tear slid down her cheek when John spoke of wanting her to be happy and doing everything he could to help her. “Thank you, my friend. If I am lucky, this will all blow over quickly and everything will be all right.” Sophia did not know why he looked apologetic as he released her hand. She was not uncomfortable being close to him, but she did worry about her husband walking in on them when they were touching each other. If he believed that she and Lord Maldon were more than friends, he would forbid her to see him and he would be even angrier at her than he was now.

 

And the brevity of all physical contact between them was also to protect John. She was afraid Esteban might challenge him to a duel if he thought they were lovers. At the very least, he could drive a wedge between John and his family by accusing him of trying to seduce his wife.

 

In the orangery, Sophia gave instructions to Anna, who had, as usual, followed her mistress, and then scooped up Allegro and the tin of catnip and led John back into the house and to the drawing room. There was already a table between the two chairs in front of the fireplace. Depositing the catnip and Allegro on the floor, she led John over to it, smiling when she saw that one of the chairs was occupied by the two cats that John had not yet seen, a long-haired white male with one blue eye and one gold eye, and a long-haired dilute-calico female who had an extra toe that looked like a thumb on each of her front paws and extra toes on her back paws as well.

 

“These two are Romeo and Juliet,” she said, "the two cats I brought with me from Venice." With a casual wave toward the table, she added: “Will this be a good place for the plants? My gardener can burn the soil and the pots when we have replanted them, unless you want to throw them in the fireplace here.”

[Guest]

“I d-d-don’t really.” John said. He understood gentlemen, and ladies for that matter, in the same way John understood clocks. He could wind them and read them but he didn’t know what made them tick. He seemed to consider for a moment.

 

“I think you should just tell him I wish to meet. I d-d-don’t think it’s the sort of request he’ll take offense to? If anything it w-w-will remind him what you can… do for him with English lords. It will mean something that I’m still g-g-going through you.” And without the possibility of Lord Toledo fearing John’s interest was less than respectable.

 

As for helping her husband, “The m-m-most useful thing would be to find out the political stances of people on the war. Not their opinions b-b-but their actual politics.” John said, “But what he r-r-really wants, I suspect, is to feel like he is respected and that your marriage is solid.” Sophia would know how to do that better than John. He didn’t have any deep insights into how Lord Toledo was on a personal level.

 

John nodded, though he didn’t know what the future held. Sophia’s fears weren’t unreasonable, though John’s family probably wouldn’t believe such an accusation. But John found the idea of him seducing a lady to be ridiculous, largely because he thought himself totally devoid of romantic appeal. So his thoughts strayed to a more familiar explanation. He was far too ready to believe he was simply odious. He also didn’t understand that the Spanish didn’t touch each other so frequently as the English.

 

John smiled, and waved at the two cats. He took a bit of the catnip and spread it on the floor before them with shaking hands, and petted Juliet briefly. He turned to Sophia. “This w-w-will do fine.” John said, placing his satchel to the side.

 

After the new pots and soil had been brought, John again carefully removed the plant and began to brush all the dirt off the roots. He trusted Sophia remembered the procedure from yesterday. “We m-m-must remove all the dirt, cut off anything infected, and then repot them.” John proceeded to do so gingerly, carefully. It was much the same as yesterday except the repotting was slightly different and John brushed of every bit of dirt.

 

As he finished with his, he looked over at Sophia to see if she needed help.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

“Of course you do,” Sophia insisted. He was a gentleman himself, so he must understand them them better than she. If John had watched one of the opera rehearsals, he would probably have warned her not to be so flirtatious. She'd had no idea whatsoever that Esteban would be offended by her enticing portrayal of Diana. Or that every man in the audience thought she wanted to sleep with them. If she had understood a man's way of thinking, she would have not have performed so seductively.

 

“I will tell him you wish to meet with him. Is there any reason I should give him? Should I mention your trip to the New World or is there something else you wish to discuss with him? I would think he would be interested in speaking with you. You could help sway your family's opinions in his favor. And if you speak well of me, that might also help him to see that I can be useful to him.”

 

She nodded when he suggested that she find out about the political views of various courtiers. “I already mentioned that I may be of help to him in finding out who supports the war. I don't know if he believes I can do it, but perhaps I will prove him wrong tonight. When I dance, I will subtly bring the subject up and pay careful attention to what my partners say. If I am lucky, I might catch one off guard, or they will be willing to tell me things they would not normally divulge to my husband. Now that you have explained the war to me, I understood much more than I did yesterday.”

 

Sophia wasn't certain what Esteban wanted of her, or if he wanted anything at all. He was so distant that they were almost like strangers. That was the way of most arranged marriages, she knew, but she had still expected more. Perhaps she could consider herself fortunate. Other ladies were in abusive marriages or their husbands sent them away to the country and didn't allow them to attend court. Those women would probably jump at the chance to have a husband who was aloof and gave them the freedom that Esteban gave her.

 

In the drawing room, the two cats jumped from the chair when they smelled the catnip. Soon all three felines were rolling around in it and batting each other playfully. They did look as if they were drunk to Sophia. It was quite amusing.

 

The supplies arrived, along with the plants. She watched John remove his plant from its pot and brush off the roots. After putting on the gloves, she carefully dug around the other one and lifted it up, Gently, she brushed the dirt away, occasionally using her fingers to remove the larger bits. Although she had thought she had cut off all the rot yesterday, it looked as if there were a few patches left. “Can the rot grow overnight? If not, I think I missed a few spots yesterday.”

[Guest]

John smiled, not agreeing but not actually pressing the point. Though John thought she had more to fear from the women of court than the men at this point. As for the reason, “He p-p-promised he would point out the Spanish ambassador so I m-m-might talk to him about the t-t-trip.” John reminded her. “I intend to hold him to that.” John nodded to her suggestions. He would try and smooth things over a bit, though anything too blatant would be suspicious.

 

“The easiest thing, I’ve f-f-found, is to ask them what they think other people think. They t-t-tend to be less guarded about that.” And whether they spoke with sympathy or disgust, how they portrayed people, revealed a great deal about the person themselves. “B-b-but I am sure you better know how to charm someone than I do.” John said with a smile. He still felt himself to be unlikeable, though he knew Sophia, and a few others, definitely did like him.

 

John laughed at the cats drunkenly hopping about. This was one of his joys in life, along with things like puppies. He’d given one of his latest litter to Master Cole and was debating giving another to Esteban. It might cheer him, he had the strangest sense Esteban was a dog person, and besides, he needed something of his own to fight off Sophia’s menagerie. But he would see.

 

On to playing doctor with the plant, “It c-c-can.” John said, “Once a p-p-part of the plant dies it spreads very quickly. If you’re n-n-not cutting through the edge of a healthy root you’re leaving d-d-dead matter.” He looked over. While it had spread, it wasn’t too bad. He thought both would live.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

“Then he shall have to point to himself,” Sophia chuckled, “since he is the Ambassador now. I do not know if he has the power to authorize your expedition or if Don Juan will have to make the final decision. They must be in contact with each other quite frequently, I would think.” Maybe she could help speed things along if Juan came to court before the end of the season. She could tell him about John's plans and he might be more likely to assist him if he knew that Lord Maldon and his mistress were very dear friends.

 

She dreamed of accompanying John to the New World, but she doubted that it would be allowed, unless Esteban went as well. And even then, Juan might think it was too dangerous for her. Sophia, would, as always, comply with his wishes. He had vast responsibility now and did not need to worry about the safety of the woman he loved.

 

So she should ask her dance partners what they believed others thought about the war instead of inquiring about their own opinions. She could see the advantage in that, and if nothing else, she would know how certain courtiers felt about each other. “I may know how to charm them, but you have a better insight into how to obtain the knowledge I seek. Your idea is marvelous. I will definitely be using it. I am usually blunt and straightforward, but in this case, being indirect might work much better.”

 

Sophia chuckled as Juliet pounced at nothing. A second later, Allegro pounced on her and the two of them swatted at each other. Romeo was rolling all over the catnip and meowing loudly. After Juliet batted Allegro away, she jumped on Romeo, as if to shut him up. Allegro went tearing around the drawing room like he was being chased by a ghost. She wondered where Lyra was. Probably asleep in her bedchamber, missing out on all the fun.

 

“Maybe that's what I did yesterday. I was afraid to cut off any of the healthy parts.” She picked up the shears and began to cut away the few patches of rot. “How do I know how much to cut off? Will they not die if I remove too many of their roots?”

[Guest]

“I’ll b-b-bring a mirror.” John said with a wide grin. He turned a bit apprehensive as she said her master might need to be consulted. “Your husband s-s-said the old ambassador could resolve the whole of it. D-d-does he have less power than the old one did?” Regardless of how the Spanish overlord felt, John had no notion Don Juan would come to England and so thought it would be months of waiting.

 

John was, in general, subtle. It wasn’t better than Sophia’s directness. In many cases it was worse, leading to convoluted or confusing knots that someone more direct might bypass entirely. Just as his polished manners could make it difficult to make himself understood. They could both learn from each other, not just in skills but in how they acted and approached people.

 

John smiled widely and started at the kittens as they played. He seemed energized, almost to the point of childishness, at their antics, and gleeful. John was usually a reserved, calm sort, but it was at moments like this he lamented his inability to jump or play as they did. Still, there was no sadness, just a joy in their antics.

 

As for plants, “As l-l-little as you can. You should c-c-cut just inside where the healthy part begins.” Johan said. “If you remove all of them yes. And the m-m-more you remove, the more likely they w-w-will die. If you don’t… get rid of the rot, they certainly will die.” That was the way of trying to save infected plants oftentimes.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

She laughed when he said he would bring a mirror so her husband would not have to point to himself. Yet with his next comment, her expression turned thoughtful. “No, if anything he has more power.” If Juan did not have absolute confidence in Esteban, he would not have asked him to marry her. He would have found someone he trusted fully to take care of his mistress.

 

“If the old one could have authorized your trip, then my lord husband should be able to do so as well. I do not know much about his responsibilities and duties. He has never discussed such things with me.” That shouldn't be surprising. Sophia doubted many gentlemen spoke about business or politics with their wives.

 

In Sophia's opinion, John understood the way people thought better than she did. Her teenage selfishness and belief that the world revolved around her didn't help matters any. If she was to be an effective spy, she would have to pay more attention to others and less to herself, a lesson that would not be learned overnight. Her friend had given her something to think about and plan for, though, and for that she was grateful.

 

Lord Maldon seemed as amused as she was by the antics of her cats. Juliet was now chasing Romeo around the room while Allegro had gone back to the catnip. She did hope they didn't break anything. All of the decorations were things she had bought either in London or on her travels. Only the furniture and rugs had belonged to former Ambassador.

 

She sighed sadly when he explained that no matter what they did, the plants might not make it. “I guess they have nothing to lose. If we do not cut the bad roots away, they will die anyway. I shall be very careful.” Gently and a bit hesitantly, she continued to cut off the bad parts. It didn't take her long to figure out where the healthy roots ended and the rot began.

 

“So what do you want for yourself?” she asked him in her usual blunt fashion. “You want your sisters to become ladies-in-waiting to the Queen and the Princess, but what do you wish to achieve on your own?”

[Guest]

John nodded as she said he could, relieved. If Esteban needed to get permission from Madrid, John would probably have to wait for three months or so. While he’d said the ambassador could, he’d not been an ambassador himself at the time. So perhaps it had changed. At any rate, he appreciated Sophia’s help, whether in a reminder or something more substantial.

 

There was a brief moment of surprise when Sophia said Esteban didn’t share his duties with her. John expected, unless his wife proved herself incapable or unwilling, that she would help him shoulder his burdens. But he said nothing. Each family was its own.

 

John nodded at Sophia’s sad assessment of the plants. He watched carefully between putting his own in the fresh soil. After that was done, he put a bit of water in it, though not too much, and began to examine the stem. It looked fairly healthy and he still thought they would recover without much issue.

 

John looked up, blinking at her question. “The same, after a fashion.” John said. “Truthfully I w-w-want them in the household because it makes them more attractive marriage prospects. I w-w-want to set us all up as well as my father and Devonshire set up their families. Better if I can.” John’s tone took on a determined, desperate edge, “Then I’ll know that I’m not a curse. That I did as well for my family as an able bodied Maldon would’ve.”

 

John sighed and looked down, “It’ll be d-d-difficult though. My mother was the daughter of the head of one of the wealthiest and m-m-most politically influential families in England, and the nuh-niece and cousin of some royals. Devonshire’s b-b-brother became a Colonel-General and leader of two shires and his son is one of the l-l-leaders of the Commons. His sister and d-d-daughter married the heirs to the Cecil earls.” Which was to say, another famous, powerful, well connected and wealthy family. There was a strain of pride in his voice... but a larger strain of burden.

 

But John recovered, “Fortunately, I d-d-do have the blood for it.” Whether he had the talent or not remained to be seen. If not, he at least felt like he had the connections and the friends.

 

“And what about you?” John asked in reply, “Aside f-f-from pleasing your husband and helping Spain, what do you want?” There was the theater, but she’d said she only wanted to talk about it for the moment. Restoring her reputation fell under ‘pleasing her husband’ to John.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

So he wanted to advance his family's position at court through marriage. But didn't all heads of families try to do that? Sophia had hoped that he would tell her what he wanted to achieve personally, so that she could help him if it was ever in her power to do so, such as introducing him to people or speaking about him to those who could assist him in his goals.

 

When he said he feared that he was a curse to his family, Sophia dropped her plant into the fresh soil and reached over to squeeze his hand. “You are not a curse!” Her voice was as adamant as his had been. “You are not a failure. You can do anything you set out to do. You are intelligent, clever and educated and you do not put on airs like some of the nobles I have met. You are approachable and ambitious and friendly and … I could go on an on. It will just take some time to establish yourself at court and then the marriage offers will come pouring in. Maybe you will find favor with the King and become one of his gentlemen. I believe the Queen will take a liking to you. She seems to be able to see into one's soul and yours is pure and kind.”

 

He turned the question back on her and she answered him as she packed the soil around the roots of the plant and gave it some water. “When I first came to England, my goal was to become one of the Queen's ladies and to marry an English Earl. Instead, I found out that a foreigner cannot attend the Queen and I ended up marrying a Spanish Baron. I also wanted to introduce opera to England, which has just been accomplished.”

 

She set the plant aside and looked up at him. “Now … I want to become the Queen's friend since I cannot be her lady. I want to make my lord husband proud of me. I also want to sing at more court events, at private parties, and for Their Majesties. I hope to become known as an excellent hostess and as a fashionable, sophisticated, and respectable lady.

 

“And I want to improve my painting skills and become fluent in Spanish and French. Always I seek to learn new things. Eventually, I hope to give my husband an heir but I am in no hurry to have a baby quite yet. I think I should like to get involved in charity work. That should do much to help my reputation at court and I am genuinely interested in helping the poor and unfortunate.”

 

Sophia left out her desire to please Juan in all things or that she hoped that her children would be his and not Esteban's. She also wouldn't mind becoming his official mistress, even though that would mean moving permanently to Madrid. Some of her goals had to remain a secret.

 

“Are you hoping to get married yourself?” she asked him.

[Guest]

In a wider sense what John wanted was to feel like he’d bettered his family and done at least as well as the last generation. He’d mentioned careers as well as marriage, and feeling like he was respected. He hadn’t given specific goals because Sophia’s question was about what he wanted for himself… and what he wanted was to be happy, to feel like he wasn’t inferior or a curse. And he would feel that precisely through those traditional forms of success, such as advantageous marriages.

 

He’d convinced himself that then the weight he felt would at least lighten.

 

He did have more specific and unique goals, but he hadn’t understood Sophia’s question as she intended it. Like many things with the young earl, it took some digging to get to the actual heart of the matter.

 

John took her hand with a small smile. There was a lot of history there, and a very short list of people who believed in him. Every one helped… but there was a terrible wound there. “Thank you. I hope you're right." He didn't sound convinced though.

 

"I d-d-doubt I’ll ever have royal favor.” John said sullenly. He was broken, his family was largely part of the opposition, and he was not merry or salacious. “And royal gentlemen are supposed to d-d-defend the King and attend him to increase his majesty by standing beside him.” Which was beyond John in his mind. “I c-c-couldn’t even dress him well.”

 

As for the Queen, “I hope so.” The King’s mother had been Devonshire’s patron, and before that it had been their cousin, another royal woman. Combined with foreign friends, influence in Parliament, popular power bases, and alliances with the other princely magnates of England, John was pursuing what was a rather conventional course for his family.

 

John nodded to her goals, which seemed admirable. “You had g-g-good taste.” John said of English earls with a smile. She might have naturalized if she hadn’t married a Spaniard, but now she was probably never going to remove that stain. “How’d that end up happening?” John ask of her marriage. It wasn’t as if there were many Spanish barons running around England. Actually, he was surprised there was even one. And Sophia seemed like she might have achieved her original goal.

 

He nodded to her current goals as well, “Be c-c-careful. The Spanish have been accused of poisoning f-f-food and water before, or seducing p-p-people to Catholicism.” Spain and England were enemies, significantly more so than even England and France. “Still, if I c-c-can help, I will, you know.” John said with a small smile.

 

John seemed surprised at her question, “Of c-c-course.” In John’s family, like most noble families, everyone got married. Lady Devonshire’s grandfather had even been broken like he was.

 

John’s fear was that he wouldn’t marry as well as his father or, worse, that his wife would hate him. He wasn’t handsome, and he imagined himself uglier than he was. He wasn’t a shining knight or a seductive rogue. He was inexperienced in love and didn’t feel himself particularly manly. He still didn’t think he had much to offer… yet he had gotten some interest, which was a pleasant sort of bafflement.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

“I am. You will see.” Sophia squeezed his hand again and then let it go, packing the wet soil more firmly around the plant. She had complete confidence in him and his ability to rise at court. His afflictions might hinder him at first, but his powerful family gave him advantage that most courtiers didn't have. Once people got to know him, they would discover his strenghts and he would be respected for them. He was also willing to work to achieve his goals. Some gentlemen … and ladies … expected everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. And others were good looking but had the intelligence of potted plants.

 

“I don't think all of his gentlemen have to dress him or stand beside him,” she pondered thoughtfully. “But you may gain his favor in some other way. Perhaps he will value your advice one day, or praise you for your political prowess. Or maybe some other influential gentleman will take an interest in you. There are many ways to advance your position at court. Pleasing the King is only one of them.”

 

She chuckled at his comment about wanting to marry an English Earl. “I still do. One of my dearest friends is an English Earl.” Sophia hoped he knew that she was talking about him. “My father thought that I would be in demand as a wife because the Queen was German, but no unmarried Earls were interested in me.”

 

Idly, she wondered if he would have asked Lord Kingston to court her if she was still unwed and whether her former guardian would have accepted or refused his suit. “My guardian chose my husband for me, but I was not against the match.” In truth, she had practically begged him to let her marry Esteban. He had not known that the only reason she wanted to marry him was to have easier access to her royal lover.

 

“After I learned that most Englishman do not allow their wives to travel, I began to think that a foreign husband might suit me better. I am fond of England and I do not mind living here for the rest of my life, but I want the option to visit new and exciting places. I do not want to be confined to any one country forever. Wanderlust runs through my veins.”

 

She frowned when he spoke of the suspicions that surrounded Spaniards. “I am neither Spanish nor Catholic, and I do not know the first thing about poison. I am also not ruthless, ambitious or heartless. I even feel sorry for bugs when I step on them. We have to worry about being poisoned too. There were two attempts on Don Juan's life last spring. Now I am a target as well. If someone wants to hurt my lord husband, they may try to do it by harming me.”

 

He appeared surprised at her question about marriage. “Some gentlemen do not wish to marry,” she remarked with a delicate shrug. “I hope you find a sweet wife who will help you achieve all of your dreams. Maybe you will even be lucky enough to fall in love with each other.”

[Guest]

John smiled slightly, even as she let go. While he still felt melancholy he wasn’t inconsolable. While it was only a slight growth he was getting better as he heard other people’s confidence in him. There was a deep wound... but one that could heal.

 

“I thought attending the King is the p-p-point of the gentlemen, like ladies in waiting.” John said. But he wasn’t totally sure. He’d thought foreigners could be ladies in waiting too, though obviously not the wives of foreign ambassadors.

 

“P-p-perhaps.” John said, “He’d n-n-need some reason to want it first.” John commented idly. As for other influential gentlemen, “My family’s very influential. In some ways Devonshire is more influential… than Newcastle, and we’re still the senior line.” Though obviously the Duke had surpassed them in many ways. “Is there s-s-someone in particular you think would be interested?” John asked.

 

“Ahhh,” John said with a grin, “I know him. Your t-t-taste’s turned poor.” She told him no earls had been interested, “Well…” John hesitated, “I w-w-won’t say anything about that.” John said. He thought the implication was apparent, but she was married and John respected his friend’s marriage. “I’m surprised, is all.”

 

John nodded to her story. He didn’t press her on the reasons for the match since she didn’t provide them. “That’s not true.” John objected about not allowing their wives to travel. “Lady Burghley has spent so m-m-much time on the continent since she’s married I hardly get to see her anymore. And Lord Burghley’s English. I d-d-don’t know any women in my family who haven’t travelled at least a little.” Then again, John’s family was not normal, especially in regards to its women. “If anything, my wife would need to f-f-fight to remain at home if I left.” Not that John was a great traveler.

 

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I j-j-just said be careful. Truth isn’t important to many p-p-people.” John said gently. Though it was his way to worry. John sighed as she spoke of assassination attempts, “Such is the way of the world. I was about your age the f-f-first time a major attempt on my life was made. You learn to d-d-deal with it.” Violence was simply a natural condition of the world to John.

 

John thought people who didn’t want to marry were odd. Or rather, people who actually didn’t marry. He knew plenty of people who married and then lived basically apart from their wives. There was a pause and John’s eyes turned down. “I hope so too.” John said quietly, “I know m-m-my wife won’t have dreamed of someone like me. Even if she c-c-can’t bring herself to love me, I hope I can make her happy.”

[Sophia de la Cerda]

“You are probably right. But there are many things you can do for him besides dress him. I don't think all his gentlemen always stand beside him or that all ladies-in-waiting stand beside the Queen. It would be a bit crowded if they did.” Sophia imagined that they both had many noble attendants, and that some of them served special purposes. If she had become one of the Queen's ladies, her duties might have included playing soothing music on her harpsichord and singing, since she was musically gifted.

 

“I think he will notice you eventually,” she said about the King. “I do not know any interested gentlemen but I will start mentioning you to those I know and maybe they will wish to meet you.”

 

She rolled her eyes when he claimed she had poor taste. “Nein, I have excellent taste when it comes to English Earls.” One pale eyebrow quirked upward at his implication that he would have been interested in her if she had not already been married. So he might have asked to court me. And Lord Kingston would have refused him because of his disabilities. Just like he refused Lord Dundarg because he is a bastard.

 

Sophia was not attracted to John romantically, but she wasn't attracted to Esteban either. He would have made a fine husband if a handsome prince had not come along and swept her off her feet. Yet she was pleased that he had, for with Juan, she had discovered what true love really was, and she would be devoted to him for the rest of his life, maybe even for the rest of hers. She doubted that any gentleman in the world could hold a candle to her beloved Juan.

 

“I think your family must be an exception, or perhaps most English ladies prefer not to travel. I do not remember how I came to the conclusion that Englishmen liked their wives to stay at home. Maybe someone told me or perhaps I assumed it because so many English ladies I have spoken to have never been out of England.”

 

Her mouth dropped open when he revealed that an attempt had been made on his life. “Someone tried to kill you?” she asked in an incredulous tone of voice. “Why? A sixteen-year-boy is not a threat to anybody. I did not know that the English went around trying to kill each other.” There were still many things in which Sophia was very naïve. “No one is trying to kill you now, are they? Or does everyone have to worry about being assassinated here?”

 

Sophia was more worried about being kidnapped. She was more valuable to the enemies of Spain alive than dead. Holding her hostage would give them power over Esteban and especially over Juan, if their secret affair was ever discovered.

 

“Your wife will be a very lucky woman,” she predicted. “And how do you know that she will not dream of somebody like you? Some husbands do not even try to make their wives happy. They abuse them or send them away.” Her smile faded slightly. “Or they just ignore their wives until they do something that displeases them.” Esteban had said more to her this morning when he was angry than he had said during their entire marriage. Or that was how it seemed to her.

[Guest]

“There’s only twenty or so.” John said of the King’s gentlemen. “But I d-d-don’t know how their duties are divided up, no.” He did know some were only rarely around the King.

 

John nodded. Sophia’s boundless confidence was infectious up to a point, but when pressed she only reminded John of his fears of worthlessness. “Gratitude.” John said when she said she’d speak on his behalf, but he wasn’t as optimistic as she was.

 

John laughed at her retort but was confused at first when she quirked up her eyebrow. Then he was shocked. “You’ve g-g-greatly mistaken me.” John said, his shock coming through in his tone, his eyes wide.

 

He wasn’t romantically or sexually attracted to Sophia, even after last night’s performance. If that had been the implication, he would’ve blushed and stammered a great deal more on delivery. He had meant to imply that she could’ve married better than she had, not that they would’ve married particularly.

 

“I should l-l-leave for today.” John said reached for his satchel and quickly buttoned it. “Do as I've said and they should be fine. I’m sorry for any awkwardness or familiarity. Excuse me, your excellency.” John bowed and turned to leave.

 

In the inexperienced young lord's mind, there was simply no recovering from even an imagined hypothetical proposition to a married woman.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

“Twenty is very much. I have never seen that many gentlemen around him at once, nor so many ladies around the queen. So not all of them surround them at all times. I still think he may take an interest in you.”

 

John thanked Sophia for her willingness to bring him to the attention of other lords, which she fully intended on doing, but he did not reply to any of her other comments. Instead, he seemed shocked about something and claimed that she had mistaken him. Maybe I shouldn't have said asked why someone wanted to kill him. Perhaps he has secrets that he does not wish to tell.

 

A wave of guilt assaulted her when he abruptly announced his departure. What is wrong? What have I done or said to make him flee? Whatever it is, I wish I could take it back. I do not like seeing him this way.

 

Awkwardness and familiarity? Whatever did he mean? “I do not understand,” she fretted. “Are you angry at me? I am sorry if I said something that upset you. It was not my intention. Please do not leave like this.” One stray tear meandered down her cheek. If she had ruined their friendship with her German bluntness, she would never forgive herself.

[Guest]

John had replied as soon as she had quirked her eyebrow and looked over at him. If she continued to speak after that, he’d hardly heard her in his rush.

 

John’s childhood had left him deeply scarred. All it had taken was a glance, and a belief about how she’d taken his words, for John’s anxiety to come flooding in. Already dark thoughts clawed at him. How he’d ruined their friendship with a mauvais mot. How Sophia found him disgusting, how she pulled away when they touched because she found him repulsive, how she hadn’t introduced him to her former guardian or her German friends because he was an embarrassment…

 

Oh look, you’ve made her cry. A much hated voice sounded in his head, mocking. But caring for those he cared about, even without carnal or marital interest, was one of two instincts he knew could pull him out of such things. He pulled out his handkerchief and gently dabbed the tears again. He offered it to her in what was becoming a familiar gesture.

 

There was a chair at the table he'd just rushed away from. John wandered to it, and sat with the clumsiness of being weighed down. He started to speak but no words came. He felt now like he’d done her a terrible wrong again, and that feeling of worthlessness stole his voice. But he did give her a small, weak smile. His eyes broke with hers after a moment though, and looked down.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

Sophia very rarely cried. Today she was making up for it. Three times so far, and all for the same reason: she had angered gentlemen she cared about. Despite his aloofness, she cared about her husband in a rather casual way and wanted to please him. Oddly enough, her feelings for John ran deeper in a purely platonic fashion. Her friends were precious to her, and she was so close to John that she had entrusted him with one of her most scandalous secrets. She felt that she could tell him anything and that he would understand.

 

Yet now, she had ruined everything, and she had no idea why. Had she known his thoughts, she would have immediately reassured him that she didn't find him repulsive and the only reason she pulled away from him was so that the servants wouldn't talk about them and that Esteban would not walk in while their hands were touching. It was for his own protection. Her husband had already killed one man for dishonoring her. She didn't want John to be next.

 

She had not introduced him to any of her friends was because they had not attended any court events together. As for her former guardian, Lord Kingston was always busy these days and she had not seen him since before she and Lord Maldon had met. Sophia had offered to introduce him to the Queen and still planned on doing so tonight at the ball.

 

He brought out his handkerchief and wiped away her tears again. She took it from him and continued to dab at her eyes. This time, the tears did not stop so easily and she hated herself for it. Ambassadors' wives were supposed to be elegant and sophisticated; they did not burst into tears like a child. How immature she must seem to him.

 

She followed him over to the chairs that had been moved by the table, and when he sank into one of them, she fell to her knees by his side. Perhaps he did not feel well? His smile was weak, and when he looked down, Sophia sensed that his pain was more emotional than physical. “Talk to me,” she pleaded. “Tell me what is wrong.”

[Guest]

John didn’t know Sophia’s thoughts or feelings, only her words and actions. She had ever told him he was dear, but she’d also pulled away every time they touched in a way that struck him as slightly awkward, like she didn’t want him to touch her. He’d never seen her do that with anyone else, and in fact had seen her touching others eagerly.

 

So he was left to his own interpretations and John already felt himself unlovable. That was why he’d not thought of her fears about her husband objecting: He found the idea that she would be attracted to him ridiculous and thought everyone else would as well.

 

Likewise how she had politely refused to introduce him to people when he asked. And while she’d favored him with a secret, she’d only shared after he’d caught her all but lying to him.

 

All this had mixed with John’s native fears about sex and romance and his fears about how she’d taken his words. At this point, even the hint of love or libido was going to provoke at least anxiety in the young earl. John was very broken and no one had yet fixed him. He had no idea how to fix himself.

 

Sophia fell to her knees by his side, weeping and wiping her tears. She pleaded for him to talk to her, to share what was wrong. His brows knitted in confusion. “What’s the matter?” John asked, “Why are you c-c-crying?” His voice was soft, still tinged with weakness, but full of concern. He didn’t understand. He might have reached out to comfort her, but he had stopped reaching out to touch her earlier after he'd realized, or felt he'd realized, that she disliked him touching her.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

Instead of telling her why he was so sad, he asked her why she was crying. “I am afraid that I have angered you by something I have said or done.” Sophia dabbed again at her tears. “You are my friend. I would never hurt you intentionally. "Please tell me what I have done to upset you."

 

She was so frightened that she had ruined their friendship forever. Rising to her feet, she sank into the chair beside him. She could sense that he was uncomfortable but she couldn't guess the reason for it unless she had said something that had distressed him. Reaching out, she took his hand and this time she didn't let go. “Or is something else bothering you? Did I remind you of something you would rather forget? Whatever I did, I am sorry. Please know that you can tell you anything and I will always listen to you and help you in any way I can.”

[Guest]

“Angered?” John repeated softly, “No. No, I’m not angry.” John hadn’t been angry at her even in the passion of the moment. He’d been panicked and scared. He’d only been angry at himself when she started to cry. “I know.” He said when she said she’d never intentionally hurt him. Even in his darkest thoughts he’d never made her malicious.

 

“How often did your parents say they loved you?” John was habitually periphrastic. He was answering her question, or at least leading into answering it. John held her hand in reply. In of itself, the fact he was still letting her touch him was a sign he still considered her a friend. He nodded when she encouraged him to speak.

[Sophia de la Cerda]

Sophia sighed in relief. He wasn't angry at her. She still believed that something she had said had troubled him. Maybe she shouldn't have asked why anyone would want to kill him. That was all she could think of that could have been upsetting. I need to learn to speak indirectly like the English do. Then no one will take offense at my words. Yet that was easier said than done. The young Baroness had always been blunt. It was her natural way of speaking.

 

He didn't pull away from her. That was a good sign. And he knew that she would never hurt him. The tears stopped flowing and she gently squeezed his hand to encourage him to speak to her about what was bothering him.

 

His question took her aback. “I do not remember much about my mother, but my father said she loved me very much. He told me he loved me whenever we were together and when he was on business or I was in Venice, he wrote it in letters.” Sophia swallowed hard. “He even told me he loved me after the scandal I caused, and 'I love you, little cat,' were the last words he ever said to me. He always called me his little cat.” A single errant tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away, placing his handkerchief on her lap in case she needed it again.

 

“Did not your parents tell you they loved you too?” As soon as the question left her lips, she regretted it. There I go being blunt again. He will probably leap to his feet and flee.

[Guest]

“That’s how it should be.” John said, his voice sticking a bit and he held her hand tightly. Oddly enough, it was that that brought him to mist as if he might cry as well. “I’m sure he d-d-did. For what it’s worth, for all the t-t-trouble you caused I’m sure he loved you no less.” And for all John’s frustration earlier it hadn’t made him any farther apart from Sophia. “And you seem to have d-d-done well enough for yourself.” Which was what every loving father wanted, he thought.

 

John just looked down at her question, “Mine never did.” John said in reply. Thinking for a moment, he wasn’t sure anyone ever had. Maybe his brother. “The closest I ever g-g-got from my father was telling me it wasn’t my fault when he tried to remove me from the inheritance. The closest… I ever g-g-got from my mother was when she apologized for not loving me. And they said worse when they weren’t in such g-g-good moods.”

 

“I find it very difficult to believe that anyone could love or even like me, that anyone c-c-could find me attractive, let alone not be disgusted by me.” John admitted, emotion and shame coloring his voice, “It overwhelms me sometimes. I thought you’d t-t-take what I’d said to be a proposition, and that you were disgusted by me and that you’d hate me for it, and I was scared.” It seemed a little foolish now. But there was a deep wound there, one that had not healed. He had been told that he was repulsive and unlovable a thousand times, in words and in actions, by his parents and by others.

 

He’d told her once he ignored those who didn’t like him or excluded him. That was true… but it hurt. He wasn't sure Sophia would know what it was like, since she was pretty and popular and had a loving family. But, as skilled as John was at avoiding answering questions or talking around things, he wanted her to know.