A Smoke after Service (after Church, Dec. 26th)- Xmas 1677

[Blackguard]

"Never," Dorset insisted in response to Kingston's feigned displeasure at the insinuation. "Your ward is young and likely talented in blending in," the Earl added. "Maybe we have him wear Rochester's livery." He chuckled following that suggestion.

 

"I think we all insure that everyone hears about it at court," Sedley replied to Audley with a smile. "This season, more than any other, is conducive to gossip." That was because outside activities were curtailed and there was no Parliament. People feeling merry typically drank too much and said too much, leading to a grand time for gossip.

 

"So, when do we strike?" Merriweather asked. "Do we awaitthe next court function or might we learn if he is attending any parties? It would be easier to liberate the staff there."

 

"Good point," Roos noted. "What parties are coming up?"

[Charles Audley]

"Of course we don't think you're a smuggler Kingston," Charles said deadpan. "Hair like that must stand out like a beacon. No, I imagine a smuggler would need locks like mine." He twined one around his finger. "Black as sin."

 

He could not laugh at that as much as he wanted. His companions, after all, would not fully understand the joke.

 

He nodded in agreement with Sedley and Kingston.

 

"Winter is so wonderfully conducive to gossip and scandal, isn't it? Those long nights, so desperately in want of something to fill them, even if that thing is just talking about how more interesting people are filling theirs..."

 

He frowned in consideration as the issue of timing was brought up.

 

"We should certainly have more opportunities on the route to a private event," Charles mused, "but does our friend get many party invitations?" He shook his head. "In any case, the only party I am currently aware of is Lady Kendishall's, and I somehow doubt Arlington is planning on making an appearance. Do you gentlemen know of any more likely prospects?"

[Francis Kirke]

"And coal for your face besides," Francis replied, chuckling too. "Or allow a beard to grow in." Francis had spent enough time in the war privateering to know how to be inconspicuous as a sailor (or smuggler).

 

"Rochester will have to provide his livery, for I have none yet." He was probably the most remiss baron, but the property was technically his lady mothers, and he lived with Buckingham. He had little need for an entire establishment of his own. He had John, but he frequently sent John for tasks with his mother.

 

"Yes, and Tommy is a ginger, truly a blazing beacon," Francis said. "But I do have a near black periwig." And he also had cause not to ever wear it now that he knew how closely he resembled his true father; if he put on a dark periwig, he was sure to give elder relations heart attacks.

 

"Lady Kendishall's, yes, but I doubt Arlington an invitee or likely to hear of it through his friends. Is not there a party at the Spanish Ambassador's? Surely he would attend that."

[Blackguard]

"Yes, the Spanish," Rochester offered with glee. "They will blame the French no doubt," he laughed. "Were any of us invited?" The Earl was rather bad with his correspondence.

 

The others looked at each other with blank faces. "I think I was," Dorset volunteered. "I was not planning to go. Though I suppose I could take his wife in the next room and score a couple of points."

 

"Of course you were invited," Rochester lamented, as if he had been forgotten.

 

"You probably have one in your stack of correspondence. You do look at them do you not?" Dorset replied.

 

"Mostly," came the meek reply.

 

"Yes, let's send a note to Arlington saying that the Spanish Ambassador wishes to provide a sedan chair to carry him to the party. Alexander arranges the sedan chair. Kingston's lad wears a black periwig, offers to carry the staff, and then fades into an alley. Rochester writes a note to Arlington complaining that one of the Chamberlain's servants accosted him. He assumed it was Arlington's man because he had the staff, or so the note reveals. He then threatens to press charges against the Chamberlain because the man accused him of having the Italian sickness and then proceeded to sodomize him with the staff. Rochester will claim he cannot identify his assailant because he was so drunk, an easy thing to believe, but he managed to recover the staff. Not having time to clean it properly, he has returned the staff to Arlington to arrange for it himself." Sedley paused his storytelling. "Let's add a bit of pig's blood to the shit so that he thinks Johnny was ruptured."

 

Roos started laughing uncontrollably at the image that was conjured. "It's bloody good."

[Charles Audley]

(OOC: Oops. I seem to have forgotten about this. Sorry!)

 

Charles stroked his own close-cropped beard at Kingston's words.

 

"Why, you make this smuggling lark sound altogether too much like work. No, I fear I shall have to seek a different diversion."

 

He tapped the dottle out of his pipe as the others discussed who had and had not been invited to... whatever event they had settled on. He had missed that, distracted briefly by his pipe dying down. His attention returned as Sedley laid out the full plan. Charles laughed along with Roos.

 

"It is that," he agreed. "My one regret is that I am unlikely to see Arlington's face. His expression will undoubtedly be exquisite."

 

Charles lolled back into his seat.

 

"The only potential complication I can envisage is that Arlington might have a designated staff-bearer. Seems the sort of pompous thing he'd do, judging by reputation."

[Francis Kirke]

"The moment anyone mentions Lord Rochester and sodomy, the joke will be up. There is little way anyone will take such an assault seriously," Francis tittered.

 

"I would much rather see him carry about a stick we've stuck in shit that he does not know we've stuck in shit until the whispers start going around court about the stick being up arses. If the rumours are timed correctly, perhaps our dear friend here will get to see Arlington's face along with the rest of us."

 

He scratched the little bit of hair he had on his chin, "What if we replace the real one with another that we've defiled or use a decoy while we defile the real one? Less steps where something could go wrong and then we needn't worry about a staff bearer."

 

Many officials used servants ahead of them with their things in order to keep petitioners and undesirables away.

 

"I could see him doing such a thing when arriving to a sedan arranged by the Spanish to take him to their party."

[Blackguard]

Kingston's words caused the company to reconsider.

 

"We would not want him to think we merely dipped it in pigshit. We have to say it was Johnny's rectum,"Roos insisted. "I do not think we can disguise the aroma. Arlington will be on it like flies to the same excrement. So, I think it good to link it to Johnny early, just to add zest to an otherwise mundane cleaning of the staff."

 

"Yes, I think my name should be used frequently and early," Rochester replied in a feigned dramatic protest.

 

Sedley and Dorset looked at each other, weighing the various options. "On the one hand," Sedley began, "handing Arlington a shit-caked and bloody staff will create a more memorable look of horror on his face." Merriweather cackled at that. "On the other hand, if we were more subtle with the excrement, hoping Arlington would not notice, there would be a certain glee at the sight of him grasping the staff unknowingly."

 

"He would just wash his hands and be rid of the incident," Roos retorted. "We want there to be utter horror at the visage of his staff, rather than just a dirty hand."

 

"Roos has a point," Dorset admitted and he looked to Audley to weigh in, as well as Kingston to reconsider.

[Charles Audley]

"And how would we effect the substitution?" Charles asked Kingston, genuinely curious as to the other's plan. He had an aesthetic appreciation for simple, elegant plans.

 

He listened as two contrasting strategies were drawn up, head cocked to the side.

 

"How subtle can one be with excrement, though? Not very, I would think, at least not if we want to preserve any impact. If we do opt for subtlety, perhaps we should do nothing to the staff itself but let rumour suggest any number of depravities? Arlington can clean his hands but not his mind, and he certainly can't stop all of court giggling every time he stirs out with that stick in hand." Charles shrugged. "But an overt assault promises to be amusing as well, so I shall follow along with the majority decision."

[Francis Kirke]

"People laughing at him for fortnights over Rochester's arse is far more likely to linger than the momentary satisfaction of an obviously defiled stick," Francis said. "How do we know he will even take it?" A white staff covered in shit and blood was not likely to even grace his hand. "It will be more a punishment for his page. I think his lordship himself would be far more bothered by all of court laughing at him in front of and behind his back."

 

As to how he would initiate the plan, it was not all that very difficult.

 

"More than one of us is in the King's household. I should be simple enough to either bribe one of the pages, to switch it whilst he meets with the King or something the like. I cannot use my cousin when Arlington could try and have him hanged for stealing or assaulting a minister; not worth the risk, nor is he skilled in thievery unless it's boarding an enemy ship. It seems a very messy and foolish plan to steal something so publically. Why would Arlington not just have another made rather than wait for its return, and why would he even take it in his hand covered - obviously - in shit? You lot are too in your cups to consider it's not likely to work the way you wish it to. If you think it will, one of you should manage the stealing of it, or we just say it was switched as Chatham says, and I'll happily make sure the rumour mill goes."

 

(OOC - BTW it's now to the point where I can't possibly arrange any of this complicated stuff IC before the Embassy Day, Francis is already on the day before (which is booked with max threads to boot), & this thread isn't even finalized!)

[Blackguard]

Roos huffed at the continuing debate. The imagined look of horror on Arlington's face was too priceless in his mind.

 

"Kingston or Audley's plan would avoid us having to find a suitable pile of shit," Rochester admitted in a way that suggested he had no intention or soiling his hands with such filthy business.

 

"Bribe a page to take it momentarily," Dorset agreed, "but the old man never gives it up, even in the King's company." That stopped him for a moment.

 

"Switch his white one for a black one while he is at lunch or away for an evening," Merriweather suggested instead. It was easier. "If we are going to break in, best we leave it in a pile of shit," Roos insisted. "Your mind is full of shit Manners," Rochester quipped.

 

"Maybe we make a white one for Rochester, have him run into Arlington, switch staves and scamper off, returning it later, admitting that he used it to scratch his ass," Sedley added.

 

"I like that," Rochester admitted "Though he will likely have a death grip on it, much like he does with his own perception of his self worth."

 

"We'll either have to jostle it from him, bribe a page, or gain illicit entrance to his office in the hope that he leaves it there at night. It does not take it home surely. I think we break in with a bribe to a friendly servant or guard to look the other way. We say we have a New Year's present we want to leave on his desk," Dorset recommended.

 

Roos started to add something but Rochester cut him off. "No, we are not leaving a steaming pile on his desk. It is too juvenile, even for us." That was saying something.

 

"I think we go with Dorset's plan," Sedley judged. "It was my plan really," Alexander insisted.

[Charles Audley]

Charles frowned thoughtfully.

 

"The more I think about it, the more I warm to the idea of letting rumour and suggestion do our work for us. There is a certain efficiency to it that appeals to me." He smiled lazily. "Though that might in part be due to my desire for the season to involve things other than Arlington, staves and shit."

 

In truth, Charles was not entirely certain that the Merry Gang as a group had the requisite focus and stamina for any involved project.

 

Given the way they reacted to Turnbull, they might lack the focus and stamina for any sort of project.

 

"We start giggling in the corner whenever he enters a room with the damn thing, spread two or three varied tales of what's been done to it around court, then anonymously gift him a new staff, with a note claiming that the writer could not in good conscience allow him to walk around clutching a staff that had been so defiled. And as final touch-" Charles grinned. "- A day or two later, he gets another anonymous note, in a different hand, warning him not to accept any gifted staffs, as they will have been defiled as part of a ruse. Done right, Arlington won't know whether he's coming or going."

[Francis Kirke]

"Ha! Good man," Kingston said to the new earl who had agreed with him. He was rather liking this character, a bit more of an age with him too. The rest of the Merry Gang were somewhat older than he and looked far older yet as Francis appeared so very young.

 

"And I spend enough of my time avoiding the Lord Chamberlain and the thought of him to wish to devote too much mental energy to a prank. I'd rather devote myself to fucking and gallant pursuits of flirtation as any gentleman to our royal master," the blond answered, barely holding in his titters.

 

"Chathams plan goes best with my own in how we acquire it and make the switch. We make Arlington think a switch has already been made. 'Anonymous' sends him a new staff to alleviate his embarrassment. We can send another note not to accept gifts and spread more rumours afterward. He won't know if any of his staffs have been or are safe and neither shall the rest of court."

 

He almost felt badly for Arlington, but the poor man was so tedious, with such long, deary speeches, that Francis felt the man could use a bit of excitement. Or so he told himself.

 

Francis grinned, "I can surely pretend to keep myself from laughing in the man's presence to heighten suspicions." Nodding at Roos, he added, "And this way Roos can still play with shit since it's so important to him. One might think he knows more than he lets on about covering staffs with it." Not that Francis cared whom anybody fucked. He wagered a mouth was a mouth. The rest of the plumbing, well, he'd had a woman's arse, so he could not imagine that was so very different. Provided one closed one's eyes.

[Blackguard]

Roos frowned as the plan moved away from his own. His dislike of Arlington was the greatest of the group. The man had betrayed or opposed him in the past, more than once.

 

The others seemed to consider the situation offered by the newcomers. Sedley preferred things with grander stories, but he could see wisdom in something more simple. Merriweather was nodding, mostly because he thought it would mean less role for himself. Though Rochester imagined great roles for himself, he was content to be an author rather than a player.

 

Dorset spoke up in support. "A good plan admittedly. So, if I understand it. We access his office and just simply move the staff from one wall to the other, just enough for Arlington to notice a difference in where he left it. That way we steal nothing. Better yet, there is a group of servants that clean the offices. I might be able to get them to just move the staff." That was seeming even better. In that way, none of the Gang could be guilty of any offense.

 

"Alexander, I'll take care of the servants. You purchase the replacement white staff and send the first letter. We have Audley here write the warning letter. No one has seen his handwriting at court," Dorset announced with the agreement of Sedley.

 

"Let us plan this to happen New Year's Eve. It will be more believable that a prank occurred then," Sedley added. They looked back at Kingston and Audley for final approvals.

[Charles Audley]

"Using the servants is a nice touch," Charles said approvingly, "but I think any further additions would overcomplicate matters." In truth, had they been planning something with higher stakes he would consider the current plan to have already reached that point, but for a prank it should suffice.

 

"So, unless anyone can think of something we've overlooked, I think we have our course of action."

 

Charles took a moment to reflect on what course the conversation had taken to end up here. It had drifted far from plotting the seduction of the ladies of court. (Or perhaps not, if one considered the central theme of amusing themselves.) He shook his head, briefly amused at the meander in his thoughts.

 

"We could do with some of that cognac Turnbull quaffed to toast our enterprise."

[Francis Kirke]

Francis did not understand how this was supposed to be funny when it seemed everything was going to happen on one day, but he was passed the point of giving a fuck. This entire thing was fast becoming one boring negotiation about how best to prank Arlington.

 

"I will put out some rumors at the appropriate times," Francis finally said.

 

"Turnbull is the gent that left?" The blond still had his flask and had yet to empty it, so cognac was not of much interest to him.

[Blackguard]

There being no dissenting voices, it seemed that a plan was approved and would be duly enacted. Grunts, nods and even a belch from Rochester were the signs of acquiescence.

 

"The damp place is making my knee hurt," Sedley complained. "It is bloody cold too," Alexander noted. It was a sign that their little retreat from church was coming to an end.

 

"Right," Dorset announced as he stood. "I have places to be and points to score." The last point was made with a sly smile, met with a snicker from Merriweather. "Aye, that was Turnbull," Sackville acknowledged to Francis.

 

"I must find a deeper bottle to crawl into," Rochester announced as he too took to his feet. "It is plenty comfortable there." Roos and Merriweather took to their feet as well.

 

"I'll keep an eye out for Arlington's staff," Alexander ventured "since Audley cannot." He tittered to himself.

 

"On that note I think we are adjourned gentlemen," Roos muttered.

[Charles Audley]

"And I have places to be as well," Charles agreed, flicking open his pocket watch to check the time. "Good day gentlemen. And good hunting."

 

The young earl stood and stretched before making his exit, starting to whistle softly as he ascended the stairs.

 

 

(Fin for me. Thanks all.)

[Blackguard]

Easter was over and there had yet to be a reckoning in the game.  So it was that the Merry Gang, Francis Kirke, and Charles Audley would be receiving an invitation to join a gentleman's session Wednesday evening at Rochester's house.